“Kevin wouldn’t lie, would he?” “No!”

“We’re trying to heal the wound that Jessie created.”

“Operation Bosley and the Two Angels.”

Who said these things on Big Brother 11 tonight, and who got evicted?

Here’s your warning: DON’T READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON THE LIVE EDITION OF BIG BROTHER 11 TONIGHT!

I’ll limit myself to two topics and leave the definitive treatment of BB to the wise Josh Wolk and his TV Watch.

1. Could you believe how quickly Natalie and Lydia did a 180 on their beloved Jessie, simply by finally getting around to comparing notes on the muscle-man’s behavior with each of them? How quickly adoration turned to hatred?

2. Could you believe that Jeff, Jordan, and Lydia all think Kevin is a game-player who would not tell a lie? The guy is now the only player who’s actually strategizing ruthlessly and with self-interest. In other words, playing the game the way you have to play it. His plan with Lydia and Natalie — the above-mentioned “Operation Bosley and the Two Angels” — seemed to work like a charm.

The result, after the eviction of Lydia, was one of Julie Chen’s best exit interviews. The host could barely contain her surprised glee that Lydia was jabbering to the live audience about now hating Jessie.

Did you watch? Don’t you think they should have voted out the far more devious and game-smart Natalie?

And now that she’s gone, and she’s made her apology, don’t you kinda miss the fireworks Chima provided?

Oh, and be sure to check out this video of the apparent Jedi-master of BB, Jessie. He fooled two gals just long enough to make his exit:

During Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage, Nadya Suleman took a gratuitous verbal slap at the Jon & Kate Plus Eight mom, putting down Kate Gosselin for getting a tummy-tuck after the birth of her sextuplets.

“It’s so staged,” said Suleman, looking at tabloid pictures of Gosselin in a bikini on the beach. “She’s doing it to get people to take pictures of her… I feel like it’s cheating [to get a tummy-tuck]. It’s her choice. If she has enough money to fix herself, let her.

“I have a better shape, though. I’m sorry, no offense to her.”

“I’m not as attention-seeking [as Kate],” Suleman concluded.

Yeah, right.

You knew we were headed into Creepy Crazyville when, in the opening moments of Octomom, Nadya Suleman was bringing home the first two of her octuplets and she’s told paparazzi are closing in on her car. What does she do after covering the babies with a blanket? She puts on make-up for the photographers she’s “avoiding.”

Brrrr. Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage was a repulsively grim two hours. I hope for your sake you were watching Top Chef instead. If it wasn’t my job, I wouldn’t have lasted into the second Octomom hour, when Suleman tells the camera crew that seems to be living with her that she believes her house is “haunted” and that she has to get a “Bible for every room in the house.”

No, that makes her sound more sane than she came off here. This Fox special played the audio of a 911 call she makes in hysterics, claiming one of her children is missing. She’s screeching, “This isn’t happening!” (a favorite Nadya refrain — we heard it over and over, as though she was admitting she lives in a fantasy-world) and “Oh, God, please help me!” An onscreen caption reveals that the “missing” child had gone for a brief walk with one of Nadya’s nannies.

We saw Nadya fighting with her mother, who by comparison is a pillar of common sense and generosity, who cared for Suleman’s original six kids while Nadya had her octuplets. But what does Nadya say about her mother? “She never showed me love.” Observes Mom: “A lot of these issues are in her mind.” (It’s never explained how Nadya got the money for the house she moves into after leaving her mother’s house. Or how she pays for the nannies that are present, Nadya says, “twenty-four/seven.”)

For two hours, we watched one miserable child after another crying, moaning, screeching, and (of the ones old enough to do so) throwing temper tantrums. Octomom (a word trademarked by Nadya, we were informed) was edited to make Suleman’s life look like a ceaseless hell of chaos. The special culminated in footage in the octo-delivery-room, mostly just film of the backs of doctors and nurses, the occasional glimpse of a newborn baby being handed off, and audio of various hospital personnel trying to get the woman operating the camera to move the hell out of the way.

But of course, Nadya had given this camera-person permission to film. Everything.

I admit I came to this show thinking Suleman was probably just overly maternal and eccentric. Silly me, I know. Even if you think the production company misled Suleman and cobbled together the worst moments to make her look like a dreadfully selfish, misguided person, the two hours had enough unforgivable moments of unhappy-looking children to make you lose any sympathy for Octomom.

Those poor 14 kids. Did you watch? What did you think?

“Chima is a diva,” said Jordan. (Frankly, I’m surprised Jordan knows the meaning of “diva,” but that’s for another post… ) The Tuesday edition of Big Brother 11 finally showed us some of what led, as EW reported this weekend, to Chima Simone being “expelled” from the Big Brother house. (Don’t read further if you don’t want the details of this episode.)

After saying, “I’m not giving them the satisfaction of voting me out,” Chima started refusing to wear the microphone all contestants must use 24/7 while in the house. She cursed repeatedly, and threatened the producers that she would “have the FCC on your ass real quick.” When she threw her microphone into a pool of water, ruining the equipment, BB executive producer Allison Grodner got on the house intercom.

Grodner informed the household that Chima was “expelled” for “willfully destroying her microphone… a big violation… and multiple rule violations.”

Gotta say, Michele was a lot more gracious than I would have been when BB sprang its next announcement: she was relieved of her “duties as Head of Household” and wasn’t allowed to compete in a new, golfing competition. Doesn’t seem fair to underdog Michele, but, hey, I don’t want Allison Grodner coming to my house and expelling me…

Anyway, post-Hurricane Chima, the house remained stirred up. Lydia started non-stop yelling, calling Jordan “a ho puppet” and alternately raging and crying. My favorite moment occurred when Lydia railed against Jeff and what she called his “coup de crap power that America handed you!” Awww, that’s no way to win over the TV audience, Lydia.

As for Natalie, she just started making up words: “I want vindiction [sic]!” she bellowed.

So: What do you think? Did Chima deserve to be expelled? Jordan made the night’s best comment: “Is this all happening because Jessie got evicted? Because this is ridiculous!”

And speaking of Jessie: Be sure to check out the already-legendary interview EW’s Supreme Brother Lover, Lynette Rice, conducted with Jessie “I’m A Superstar” Godderz, below:

It’s gotten so weird: magazines and newspapers are full of tales of Kate Gosselin in tears and enraged at her wayward husband; Jon is seen out clubbing and hugging girls a decade younger than he is. And then you turn on Jon & Kate Plus 8 only to see, this week, Kate having mommy-time with three of her boys on a North Carolina battleship, while Jon stuck close to Pennsylvania home, taking the two eldest, twins Mady and Cara, to an arcade to climb ropes and ride go-karts.

Me, I choose to stay away from a lot of the tabloid stuff and watch what I always enjoy: the kids and their enjoyment. Fortunately for Aaden, Collin, and Joel, they’re still young enough to ignore what Kate referred to as “our little disruptive paparazzi friends,” who started snapping pix of the kids scampering up and down the USS North Carolina. The boys concentrated their five year-old muscles on climbing iron stairways while wearing sailor hats that made them look like mini-Popeyes. It all looked like fun.

Meanwhile, Jon’s brief, drab sequences were like those depressing weekends-with-divorced-dad from which novelists like John Updike and Richard Ford have made art. Jon & Kate, however, could only present dreary banality. We know from years of watching that Mady has always been a little grump (her bad mood didn’t start with the dissolution of her parents’ marriage), but her whiny, mopey, “I don’t even know what I wanna do” refrain has rendered her, I am afraid, the series’ perpetual downer. Tattoos and goth make-up are in her near-future.

Cara, by contrast, is a plucky, cheerful kid, eager to try anything, smiling hopefully at her dad. Which is depressing now in its own way, given the fact that she has a dad who says to the camera, “I hadn’t seen [the girls] in a really long time.” Whose fault is that, Jon?

Even Kate’s happy scenes were tinged with melancholy irony. When one child said, in his little-boy way, “When I grow up I’m gonna be a bad guy!” Kate responded, “No bad guys in my world.”

Well, she can dream, can’t she?

Did you watch Jon & Kate this week? What did you think?

As has been reported by Lynette Rice, Chima Simone is gone from the Big Brother 11 house, although the reasons for this exit remain unclear even after tonight’s episode. (Spoiler Alert!)

Chima was certainly front and center tonight, taking a prominent role in what was called a “pity party” for the evicted Jesse. As Chima, Lydia, and Natalie cried and said things like, “[Jesse] would pray for all of us all the time,” their ostensible ally Kevin had enough perspective to say to the camera about Jesse, “This is ridonkulous! The guy was an idiot!”

Chima expressed a lot of hostility toward Jeff throughout tonight’s hour for using the “coup d’etat” to replace her eviction nominations last Thursday. The most fascinating part of tonight’s edition was the rarely-broadcast footage of the conversation that occurs just after the eviction nominations. “I am livid… You’re disloyal,” said Chima to Jeff. Russell got a curt, “Kiss my a–.”

I have to say, Chima’s anger wasn’t nearly as vehement as some of Russell’s rants in the past. I know a lot of viewers turned on Chima when, previously, she referred to Russell as a “terrorist.” That is a very loaded word. But in the sense that the muscled mixed-martial-artist has hounded and berated many contestants in an intimidating manner, Chima’s accusation isn’t out of bounds for a reality show that encourages overstatement.

CBS was clearly padding the hour to extend Chima’s exit until Tuesday. There were moments that were both cute (Jeff and Jordan’s playful “engagement”) and tedious (Lydia’s insufferable cooing over her stuffed unicorn). It was weird watching, knowing that Chima is gone in real-time, while we watch these banalities in BB house-time.

Chima said at the end of this episode, as she was put up for eviction, “I don’t care.” As EW has reported, the producers say Chima is out because she broke the rules of the game, and Chima counter-claims that she quit. It sounds as though she may have given up largely because of Jesse’s eviction. If so, as my colleague “Jesuitical” Josh Wolk has written, “Really, Chima? You’re going to go on a game and then get mad at people for playing the game?” HOH Michele did give Chima credit for being “the smartest in the house.”

In any case, a voiceover at the end of tonight’s hour intoned, “Tune in Tuesday night as one house-guest self-destructs and is removed from the game!” I wonder how much of the truth we’ll be seeing. I want Chima to have her day in court — er, in Big Brother confession-room-testimony — not 45 minutes of stuffed unicorns and a few moments of Chima made to “disappear” like a political prisoner.

What do you think? Will you be watching on  Tuesday?

For more: ‘Big Brother’ contestant Chima Simone kicked off the show